


Entry 1 - Relationship

by C_Lion27



Category: Diary - Fandom, None - Fandom
Genre: I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing, I'm Sorry, I'm just tired
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-10-26 05:36:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17739992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/C_Lion27/pseuds/C_Lion27
Summary: This is a diary of sorts. Should you wish to, you can read it too. You don't know me, but through this you could know the me I don't let others see. I think it's time I start writing out thoughts and emotions I have in order to get through them easier. Art is my passion, but I lack the skills necessary to get these feelings out quickly and thoroughly. So let's try my hand at writing then.Some of these will be downers, nothing triggering I hope. Please let me know if something I write has triggered you, and I can tag it properly.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Comment if you want to chat, or relate to me. I don't know why you'd give me a "kudos" but if you want, feel free to do so lol

I'm in a relationship at the moment, I'm very happy to be with them and they make me feel loved, but there are times where that feeling feels... diminished. 

For a bit of reference, we're in our 20s; I'm graduating college soon, they graduated a year ago. We're long distance, but it's only a city over.

When we started dating, we were learning more about each other and seeing different sides of each other. Four months in they say "I love you" and I say it back, though I know I wasn't ready yet. We've been together for a year now, and when I say it, it holds all that meaning and more. 

But, I'm afraid.

Not because they are my first, but because of how things were before we dated. I trust them, now after a year together I fully trust them. But there's that ugly feeling of doubt and insecurity that rises from time to time. I fake my confidence when we talk about relationships, always; I'm not confident, and I'm afraid of one day being left behind for someone "better" someone who can be more of what they want/need. 

They tell me they love me, very often; physical affection always happens in this relationship. They want us to move in together once I've graduated, assuring me that they want us to be together for a long time. There's brief moments where they get serious, and tell me something that makes my heart swell and flutter and stop at the same time, tho I don't show it. 

I hate being insecure. I absolutely hate it. If I get too deep and let them in completely,... I'm afraid to be hurt.

(This may sound dumb but here's what prompted this entry) 

This past weekend they made a comment about a friend of ours, that if they hadn't met me, they would've tried to date them. This didn't sit well with me at first, but I let it go, and when they asked if they had worried me and assured me of the situation.. I lied and said it was fine. Being a laid back kind of person, I don't want to start arguments. When I'm bothered by something I don't speak out about it often, and avoid it all together through distraction or humor. 

"It's alright" "Don't worry about it" "No worries" "It's cool"

It's not cool.

I guess they didn't think about how that would make me feel.. like if I hadn't been there, they would've moved on to someone else?? Am I that easy to overlook? 

Was I stupid to trust them? Will they do the same to me? Am I being tricked because why the hell not?? - I don't want to think this way because after all this time and effort they've put in to wanting to be with me... why would it be something devious? 

I don't want to be cheated on. Nobody does, but if I'm being honest, that's one of my worst fears. For me to be with someone for so long, have them know so much about me, and I've grown to love and care for them and then sike- it all gets ripped away from you in one cruel act. I feel as if that were to happen to me, trusting someone again would be so damn hard..

I didn't realize it much until I got into a relationship that I'm the lovey-dovey, romantic type y'know? Like love letters, flowers, sweet gestures and those quiet intimate moments together are what I want, and want to provide for my s.o. I like telling them how much I love them, miss them, can't wait to see them again.. I sometimes feel like I love too deeply, tho I can't easily show it. And when it's not returned to the same extent I get worried; stupid right? 

I don't believe my s.o. would do anything bad to me. It's my overactive imagination that cooks up horrible scenarios to make me panic. I don't want to hurt them either by telling them about this. We communicate with one another very often and have many discussions together; similar political views, taste in media, food favorites, humor, etc. I feel I can tell them almost anything.

I love them. Very much so that I get scared I'll loose them. I don't know how to bring up these topics so as not to seem clingy, emotional, paranoid and untrusting... I want them to be free to do as they want, within the boundaries of a relationship, and I would NEVER dictate who they can and can't be friends with or when they go out with friends, all that creepy shit is sickening. 

I just want to stop being so insecure and weak about this.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of the misfortunes I've had in school are because of my own doing, and I know it. Sometimes I want to forget that..
> 
> Relationship wise, things feel okay, but I'm feeling some distance from them.. I just need some comfort but I feel like they don't care for physical affections anymore, aside from other things.

I should've gone to bed hours ago, but I'm just not feeling it right now. I'm tired but I'm feeling a lot of things at once. 

It wasn't supposed to be this hard. I wasn't supposed to be running through college without a clear idea of what I wanted to do in life, wasting everyone's time and money. I should've just stuck it out longer at my community college, it's where I belong anyway. I'm beginning to feel like coming here wasn't the best choice. I made the wrong choice. 

Am I not allowed to be panicked about my current situation?.. Should I just be stupidly optimistic as I've always been? Blindly believeing in bullshit so I can make myself feel better? 

I'm tired of being made to be the fool, someone who needs to be directed in life and can't think on their own. I'm sorry if I don't have a concrete plan for my life but that's just it, it's my life and I'm getting tired of it being like this.

I'm tired of feeling lost, like there isn't a place for me here. I relaize all my mistake are my own doing and I take responsibility for it, there isn't anyone to blame or excuses to make. I've dissapointed my parents more time than I care to think about. I know they're worried about me, where I'll go in the future and so forth. 

They love you, but they know where to hit (metaphorically speaking) so you feel worse than terrible when you fuck up.

Adding to that, I'm pretty sure my s.o. is dissapointed in me too.. just letting down people left and right today. They haven't been acting like themselves in a long time, and if I'm being honest.. it feels like they want to end this relationship in time. I don't know why, but that's the feeling I'm getting and I really, really don't want that. Maybe I'm just reading it wrong, and I hope that I am.

I feel like I need them in my life more than they need me. I've never known that feeling before. Like they could easily walk away from me, leave me behind and carry on with their lives liked I'd never been there..

I don't feel much like writing anymore, maybe tomorrow will be better.


End file.
